Till My Body Is Dust
by athingsublime
Summary: [Luby/Carby fic] "I thought that I could never love again..."


**Title**: 'Till My Body Is Dust   
**Author**: Noa   
**Category**: Angst, unrequited love, pick your poison.   
**Summary**: [Luby/Carby fic] I thought that I could never love again.   
**Disclaimer**: I own Luka and Abby shaped cookies. COOKIES! Not characters, COOKIES! Capice? Good. Also, the title is taken from the song **I Will Love You** by the wonderful **Fisher** (Lyrics - http://www.songmeanings.net/showsong.php?id=44145).   
**Thanks/Dedications**: To my darling Blonde French Whore, Adeline, for beta-ing and editing, and for my dears, Kate and Norla, for the Luby discussion and analysis on FF. I love you girls! 

  
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If someone would'd told me three, four years ago that I would love someone like that again, I would have laughed them in the face... And then probably called for a psych consult. Three, four years ago, my heart was still broken with no sign of healing in the future. 7 years after she died, and I was still mourning. My father had once told me that there is no definite time of how long one should mourn the loss of a loved one... But I've seen others, friends of mine, move on despite losing their wives, husbands, children. I tried to do that too, to move on. I've dated other women, but no one could replace Denijela, or even come close to her. They were all so meaningless to me, and I hated myself for leading them on to believe something could come out of it. 

Until I met her. I would be lying if I said it was love at first sight... But I didn't believe in that kind of love anyway, so it didn't matter. It took me 5 years of living next to Denijela to fall for her - but only a few months to fall for Abby. And looking back now, I wouldn't change a thing - Not even the way I hardly ever tried to get her to talk to me. That was us, that was the kind of relationship we had, and it was okay with me. Maybe we didn't talk much, but it doesn't mean we weren't there for each other, to offer comforting words or a loving embrace. 

If asked, I doubt I'd be able to pin point the exact moment I fell in love with her - I doubt there even was one. At first, when I expected her invitation for a date, I thought she would end up on my long-enough list of meaningless dates - But I was wrong, big time. Over time and more dates that followed our first one, I've grown to deeply care about her, and to love her. No matter how hard it sometimes was to be with her, I was there because I honestly believed we had the power to do it, to make something good out of this relationship. It was all those small meaningful moments that helped me keep hoping - How she finally let me help her during the court session with her mother, and the genuine thank you that night. We never confessed our love to each other, but I wanted to believe that she did love me, that she was still there for a reason. 

I remember how worried I was the night she was attacked by her neighbor; I couldn't bear the thought that I almost lost her and she didn't even know the way I felt for her. I remember how much I wanted to hold her that night, how seeing her hurt and so fragile broke my heart into a million pieces. 

But I never said or did anything, I just couldn't. Even when she was living with me, so close and yet so out of reach, I did not do a thing - I wanted her to do the first step, I wanted to be sure that's what she wanted. I wish I hadn't. Things were great for a while; we were getting along... And then Carter stopped by her apartment the day she moved back in, and saw her with that beer bottle. Up until the moment he confronted me about it, I knew nothing about that aspect of her. I was curious when we went out and she never drank anything alcoholic, but I knew better than to pry - Abby was a private person, and I respected it. If she had wanted to tell me, she would have. But that one moment, that was when I knew my love for her would have to stay with me, that was when I knew I had lost her forever. 

I wasn't wrong. A few months later, rumors were already flying around about her and him, and I never once heard either of them trying to deny that. A week after I heard the rumors for the first time, I got the confirmation for the one thing my heart refused to believe - I saw them walking away from the hospital together, arms wrapped around each other. 

And for the second time in my life, almost exactly 10 years after Denijela's death, the love of my life was forever taken away from me. I could not compare the pain of losing Denijela to the pain of losing Abby even if I tried my best... It was a different kind of loss. When Denijela was taken away, it was not by another man - And I knew that when she went away, and even now from wherever she is, she still loves me. Abby... Her I had to watch everyday, with him, still so close to me... And yet so out of reach. 

Some time later, I got the invitation for their wedding. It came in the mail, with a note attached in Abby's feminine handwriting. "I would understand", it read. It seemed so simple, but it had made me cry... It was the first time I've let myself cry over the loss of Abby. 

I went. I sat in the back of the church, alone and away from the rest of their guests, but I was there. She looked like an angel in that summery wedding dress... I have never seen her wear a dress, and I had no idea how perfect she looked in one... God, so perfect that I simply could not look at her any longer, it hurt too much. The priest started the ceremony, and I listened intensively. "... Speak now, or forever hold your peace." 

I stood, and what seemed like a million eyes turned at the sound of the bench moving slightly... They all stared at me, and so did she. I tried to read the expression on her face, but it was almost impossible. What was it? Confusion? Hurt? Concern? Now more than ever, I wish I were a mind reader. But I was already standing... I couldn't back off now, could I? My accent the thickest it's been in years, my eyes locked on hers, I said, my voice hardly above a whisper... 

"I have a reason why not." 


End file.
